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The Kids Are Alright

I awake in the middle of the night to find Susan in bed next to me. I stay silent, because I somehow know that if I say anything she will dissolve into the darkness, and so I simply snuggle up to her. I can spoon her because she can lie on her side again, no … More

Clothes Sniffing and Other Stages of Grief

It’s been about 6 weeks since my wife, Susan, passed away, and although I realize that everyone’s experience of grief is unique, there is probably enough overlap, enough universality, to warrant me telling you a bit about my own. And to simplify things, for the purposes of this post let’s just assume that all loved … More

Beautiful and Awful, Tender and Terrible

After a great deal of consideration, I’ve decided to write about the last days of Susan’s life. If you would rather not read about this, you might want to stop here.  But most of Susan’s anxiety was related to uncertainty about what the end of her life would look like. How much pain there would … More

Love Letters to Susan

Probably the most helpful thing I’ve done in the past few weeks was invite the people who love Susan to share their thoughts and messages with her. We usually do this after someone has died, but I think it’s incredibly important to share these things with the people we love while they’re still, you know, … More

A Letter from Susan’s Organization

First of all, I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support in the last days and weeks. I want to thank everyone for everything that you have written, contributed, and shared. It is incredibly moving to know that Susan has touched the lives of so many people, many of whom had never even met … More

No More Words

I’m so sorry to have to say this, but Susan has passed away. She died peacefully and without pain last night, surrounded by people who loved her.  There are no more words inside me right now, I’m left only with photographs and memories, but at least those I can share.   

Poppies for Susan

We have received lots of messages for Susan, all of them loving and lovely, but I hadn’t exactly considered what I was setting myself up for in reading them to her. There’s something that maybe you should know about me. I never cry at the sad parts of movies – you know, when you’re supposed … More

Tough Talks

This has been a month of, well, difficult conversations.  It was kicked off with a little chat in the Hospital Vall d’Hebron with a doctor who told me the best course of action was to make Susan comfortable so that she could die in peace a couple of days later. Followed by me having to … More

Lights in Dark Places

Susan’s parents and sister have all arrived safely back in California after three weeks here, much of that time spent shuttling back and forth to the hospital in Barcelona. I can’t possibly express how important it was for everyone to have had that time together. Had we taken the doctor’s advice exactly one month ago … More

Strolling and Snoring and Other Signs of Life

Well, shit. (You know a cancer blog post that begins with ‘Well, shit’ is probably not going to bring a lot of joy.) After yesterday’s triumphant stroll along the beach, during which Susan threatened to run me down with her walker, we’ve had a bit of a downturn. Susan was pretty groggy and listless today, … More

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